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Saturday, September 26, 2009

Learn Something New Every Day

Pundits predict the world will end in 2012 because that is when the Mayan Calendar runs out of days. That makes no sense to me. I say the Mayan were only tired of chipping years into the monoliths they carved their calendar onto. Had the Mayans used paper and pen, I say they'd have ventured to write up many more years. I mean really - I'm sure the Mayan stone chippers were all gotten carpal tunnel syndrome or some such, from all the chiseling - or maybe not.

There are also people who think the world is surely ending by 2012, because Obama was elected, and the shite-noggins believe the Prez is the Antichrist; their logic beginning with him being Black. They also seem to think if the world does screech to a halt, THEY WIN! That's because while the agnostics/atheists & non-Christians will race about, while being torn limb from limb by beasts and such, while whoever wins the 'We are the true chosen ones' contest shout, 'We won! Told you so, nanner, nanner, nanner!' and thumbing their ethereal noses at their fellow humans. The ones who were not picked for rescue at the time of THE REVELATION.

And finally there are the New Agers, a group I very nearly belong to, who believe that while life may not end altogether, that in 2012, there shall absolutely be an uplifting of mankind (after all, Obama was elected) to 'the next plane of existence'. Now come on - don't you secretly prefer all of us gaining powers of invisibility or paranormal powers, rather than being ceaselessly tortured for an eternity? Shoot - if there's a vote, on all this, I'm checking the box next to the New Age explanation of 2012. Hey, their scenario is a win-win all the way for everyone. Most democratic I say.

Still, 2012 is not by a long shot, the only point that was marked for the demolition of human kind. Everyone knows there have been loads of times people believed the world was coming to an end, hence the, at last count, 5 b'jillion cartoons about the guy in the sandals with the billboard.


So, wonder anyone patient enough to read this far, 'what prompted this mini-outburst?' Glad you asked! I discovered my father and my nephew are accidental name sakes one doomsdayer type prophet. No lie - read this, which is from Salon.com and was slightly edited by 'moi':


Prophet: William Miller

Date Willie predicted for THE END (ARRRGGGGHHH)!: Between March 21, 1843, and March 21, 1844

Willie's Second Guesses: April 18, 1844, and Oct. 22, 1844.

What Was Going to Happen?: Christ would return.

What went down: This might be the most touching failed prophecy ever. Millerism (Yes, MILLERISM! Gives you kind of a chill, doesn't it?) was an acutely eschatological strain of Baptism that emerged in upstate New York during the Second Great Awakening (the same time and place that produced Mormonism). Ye old founder, William Miller, believed that, with a close reading of the Bible, he could pinpoint the Second Coming. By beginning his count at 457 B.C. and taking the biblical "days" to mean "years," he settled on some time between March 21, 1843, and March 21, 1844. When the window closed, with no sign of the savior, he revised to April 18, 1844, then re-revised to Oct. 22. But damn it - we're all still here. Wrote follower Henry Emmons, "I waited all Tuesday, and dear Jesus did not come ... I lay prostrate for 2 days without any pain -- sick with disappointment."

Yes baby, I know... I know...!

Since 1844, Millerism has evolved into Seventh-day Adventism, which tends to be more cautious about getting followers' hopes up.

Obama is the antichrist - what a crock. Anyone with a brain cell knows that I am the antichrist. Prove it? Easily.

I was born in September, the 9th month, turn the 9 upside down you get - 6.

I was born on the 6th day of September - 6.

I was born in 1951, add the 5 + 1, you get - 6.

6 6 6 !

There. You must admit, that makes about as much sense as any other Antichrist claim.

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